Frightened of my first night....

By Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson
My fiancée and I are virgins and my friends tell me that sex will be very painful for her as I will have to break her hymen.
Any wedding night tips?
Dr Thomas Stuttaford says: Horror stories based on myths about the deflowering of virgins, the problems that honeymooners experienced when the hymen was ruptured, and the embarrassment of blood-soaked hotel sheets belong to the age of crinolines and bustles.
Long before the permissive society it was accepted that, in many, if not the majority, of women,their hymens had ruptured before they first had penetrative sex. Some hymens hadruptured because of physical exercise, some because of tampons and others as theresult of masturbation. In most cases a woman is unaware when her hymenruptures, or even if there was a spot or two of blood when it happened. If therewas any bleeding it was likely to have escaped notice or be confused with anirregular period. As Dr Ruth Skrine suggests in her book Blocks and Freedomsin Sexual Life (Radcliffe Publishing, £21.95), the fantasies about the hymendate from the days of bodice-ripping romantic novels. There is no doubt that thebelief about the problems women suffer when they lose their virginity was oncecurrent at all levels of society. When I joined the Army, we handed in ourcivilian clothes before being issued with recruits' overalls as we weren'tconsidered fit to wear the Queen's uniform until we looked more like soldiers.Our civvies were hung in a cupboard. The troop sergeant was going out on thetown one night but his trousers hadn't come back from the cleaners. He lookedthrough the recruits' cupboard for a replacement pair and chanced on mine. Heput them on, looked himself up and down, smiled contentedly, but then took themoff in a fury. There was blood on the knees. "Effing hell, Stuttaford. I can'twear these. There's blood on the legs. They'll all think in the pub tonight thatI'm the sort of man who f**** virgins." The sergeant needn't have worried (theblood came from a harmless graze on my knees) and nor need either you or yourfiancée. Even if the hymen hasn't been torn before first intercourse it isunlikely that the loss of virginity will cause any marked signs or symptoms. The intact hymen is a thin fold of mucous membrane that has holes in it before agirl's periods start. Without these perforations, as is very occasionally thecase, menstrual blood gathers above the hymen and it balloons downwards. Doctorscan easily snip a hole in it to drain the blood without difficulty or pain tothe patient. After the hymen ruptures the remnants of it retract and all that isleft is are some tags called the carunculae myrtiformes. Despite Victoriandramatisation of the loss of the maidenhead, a penis will slide readily into thevagina, an organ elastic enough to take a baby's head. Even so, liberalapplications of KY jelly, or other lubricants, are helpful. The vagina will bemore relaxed if your fiancée rests her bottom on a couple of pillows so that thepelvis is tilted upwards. With the pelvis in this position, the muscles alongthe inside of the thighs and those of the pelvic floor relax.
Although alarming stories of searing pain and blood-soaked sheets are nonsense, a goodbottle of wine with dinner helps, but not too much alcohol, as this can causeproblems with your fiancée's lubrication and won't improve your erection. Takeit easy, indulge in plenty of foreplay and don't be in a hurry, for you have 60years of married life ahead.Suzi Godson says:I wouldn't listen to yourfriends because it doesn't sound as if they have any more sexual experience thanyou have. Anyone who has ever had consensual sex knows that when it comes tobreaking the hymen (the thin, flexible membrane that partially covers theopening of the vagina), the pleasure-pain principle applies.
There are fewnerve endings inside the vagina so most women don't feel any pain but, ifpenetration does cause your fiancée any minor discomfort (usually caused by lackof lubrication and premature penetration), it is more than offset by theexcitement of the occasion. And since getting married before you have sex forthe first time is probably the ultimate in foreplay, I really don't think youneed to worry. Besides, it being the 21st century and all, by the time mostwomen are of marriageable age there is a good chance that they have alreadydestroyed their hymen by using tampons, or playing sport, or riding horses, oreven, dare I say it, by carrying out their own internal explorations. So if youfind no tangible evidence of her hymen on your wedding night, don't be surprisedor, indeed, suspicious.
The widely held but misguided belief that the hymen isa completely intact barrier that is broken during first sex has caused womenendless problems through the ages. Named after Hymen, the Greek god of marriage,this little flap of tissue has been a marker of virginity since the Stone Age.In some cultures those who lost their "maidenhead" before marriage were shamed,ostracised, and even put to death, so there has always been a percentage ofwomen who have resorted to backstreet hymen repair. Some have found innovativeways of capitalising on the obsession with virginity. In Victorian England itwas thought that venereal disease could be cured by "sex with a virgin". Oneparticular English brothel turned this to its advantage by supplying so calledvirgins that came complete with a medical certificate.
The girls inserted ablood-soaked sponge into their vagina before penetration and pressure on thesponge during sex released the fluid. In the 1950s, US doctors performed asurgical procedure known as the "lover's knot", which involved stitching thelabia of young women who were engaged but deflowered. This technique hasbecome more sophisticated in recent years. Hymenoplasty, a cosmetic operation torepair the remaining fragments of the hymen, is now popular. Women fly to the USto have the procedure two months before their wedding night. Under generalanaesthetic, the tissue of the broken hymen is pulled together and stitched,leaving only the small vaginal opening associated with virginity.
The operationcosts more than £1,000, takes one hour and the result lasts just a couple ofseconds but, apparently, women with more money than sense are paying toreinstate their hymens just so that they can relive the experience of losingtheir virginity. Which is, of course, impossible because virginity is notabout a piece of tissue, it is about inexperience. It is the fear of the unknownthat makes first sex such an important event, and no one forgets their firsttime. However, like anything else in life, only practice makes perfect, so,don't expect the earth to move the first time. Or even second time. And if itall goes tits up, try to see the funny side. Good luck.