Lack of sexual drive..

Stuttaford and Suzi Godson
Since I had a baby eight months ago I have been tootired to make love to my husband. How can we get our sex life back on track?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
Your present lack of sexual drive is normal and had itsorigins in the physical changes that started as soon as you conceived. Duringthe first three months, a woman's libido is usually, but not always, reduced.
Nearly all women have some nausea and feeling sick is not conducive to either arelaxed or frenzied sex life. Urinary problems, often including urinary tractinfections, are common and intercourse may make these worse or perpetuate thesymptoms. The hormonal surge of pregnancy is to monthly PMS what a Caribbean hurricane is to a Norfolk gale.
It is bad enough that the breasts, instead ofbeing an erotic zone, may be so painful that someone touching them, instead ofturning the woman on, turns her off. The mood comes and goes; some women are soexcited by pregnancy that all is well and they are elated, others areapprehensive and volatile. In the second three months of pregnancy most womennot only become accustomed to the hormonal changes and to the idea of motherhoodbut many find a great surge in sexual interest.
This is stimulated by changes inthe pelvic circulation that lead to engorge- ment of the genitalia that mayincrease sexual response. In the last three months many women feel ungainlyand unattractive. It is not surprising that sex is not foremost in their mindsand that they deflect their husband's advances with assurances that all willreturn to normal after the baby is born. How little do they know.
The dynamicsof the family have changed for ever. A close partnership of two has become apotentially difficult triangle in which the woman, so recently only a wife, isnow both a wife and a mother. Her all- engrossing love for her child and herworries about it have to be concealed if she is not to exclude her husband.
Despite her desire to express the love she feels for her husband, you, like mostwomen, feel too tired, exhausted and preoccupied to make love. You may haveexpected your body to have returned immediately to its old shape, but this cantake months. Although many women derive huge pleasure from breast-feeding, onehormone, called prolactin, is maintained at a high level while you arelactating.
And high levels of prolactin depress ovarian function and reducelibido. It is said that having a baby is nature's method of birth control. Infact, it is regular breast-feeding, at under four-hour intervals, that maintainsprolactin levels and reduces libido rather than the actual birth. The birth,too, may have caused some scarring that can be tender to touch. Lubrication isalso reduced, another feature of high prolactin levels. After eight months youwill soon be finding that your libido is stirring.
When you re-start sexualrelations, initially find ways of making love, short of penetration, if thatremains a step too far. Once sex play is established, extend it to penetrativesex, but use plenty of lubricant and support your bottom on pillows so that yourpelvis is raised and your back is less likely to suffer. If you arebreast-feeding, warn your husband if fondling is uncomfortable. You shouldalso forewarn him that for a time changes to your vagina may have made painfulsome of the actions that have been part of your ritual since you married.
SUZI GODSON
Most pregnancy literature advises pregnant women to wait until six weeksafter the birth of their baby to resume sexual intercourse. Which is amusingreally. Because although most new parents will, out of a subconscious sense ofduty to the abstract concept of siblings, check that everything down below isstill functioning, the words post-natal and sex just don't belong together.
More couples than are willing to admit it find that sex drops right off the radar forsix to 12 months after the birth. And here's why. Total exhaustion is sodebilitating that it is used as a form of torture in less civilised societies.Breast-feeding plays havoc with hormones and floods women with oxytocin, achemical that predisposes them to knitting, rather than shaking, their booties.It also creates an exclusive intimate bond between mum and baby that can be intimidating for dad.
On top of that there is the issue of body image; 15lb ofbaby weight that refuses to shift can strangle the most robust libido. Even thepneumatic glamour model Jordan admits that since the birth of Junior Andre, sheand Peter have been too knackered and busy to make out with each other. Babiesare a 24/7 commitment and it's easy to forget about yourself and yourrelationship.
Not surprisingly, this can take its toll on you, your partner andyour sex life. Recent research from John Gottmann, who is best known for hiswork on marital stability and divorce prediction, indicates that 40 to 70 percent of couples experience "stress, profound conflict and drops in maritalsatisfaction" after the birth. He is trying to develop a programme for expectantparents to help them to understand the changes they will experience as theybecome parents, and to discover ways to make the transition with greater easeand success. Gottmann, a mathematician, is also investigating the significanceof sex in relationships. He says: "We have no clue about how sex works inrelationships, how it fits into everyday interaction, what good sex really islike, what great sex really is, what everyday sex is, how it all works or fails.We have no descriptive data."
Sexual expectations - the sense that you oughtto be having sex when you are not - can be demoralising. Yet although obligationis deeply unsexy, it is true that the longer you leave your love life on ice,the harder it is to get it back on track. Unless you create baby-free space, youand your husband will not have the energy, the opportunity or the inclination toresume your sex life. In the short term, a willing relative might give you anight off, so you could check in to a hotel. But you need to establish long-termsolutions and that means getting your baby into a routine so that you can plan aregular sex life (even if it is confined to baby's Saturday or Sunday morningnap).
Solving Children's Sleep Problems (Beckett Karlson Ltd, £12.99), by LynQuine, professor of health psychology at the University of Kent at Canterbury,offers advice on sleep routines.
If that doesn't help, try Night Nannies(www.night-nannies.com).
For the price of a room at the Ritz, a specialist sleepcoach comes to your home and helps your baby to sleep through the night.Alternatively, for the price of a room at Travelodge, the Mill Pond sleep clinic(www.mill-pond.co.uk) will give you two consultations, phone support for as longas you need it and an all-day programme geared towards a happier bedtime. For everyone.