Mirroring your sexual self

Q: My partner loves to watch himself penetrate me in a mirror.
How can I get him to stop concentrating on himself and to think aboutme?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
A: Narcissist? Voyeur? Or a perfectly normal manwho likes a minor variation from the usual bedroom routine to spice up hisperformance? Who knows?
If I remember classical mythology correctly, Narcissus,the adolescent son of Cephisus, was passing a fountain when he caught sight ofhis reflection on the surface of the water. He was so overcome by the beauty ofthe young person he saw that he thought it was a nymph. Intrigued, excitedand, some say, in love with his own reflection, he jumped into the fountain anddrowned. Real nymphs recovered his body so that they might give him a decentfuneral, but when the time came for this, all that remained of him was a flower.The description narcissist is derived from this. When looking for a new house,and doing the round of estate agents' properties, the number of master bedroomsin which there are either mirrors let into the ceiling or incorporated into thewall opposite the bed, is revealing. French interior designers were famed fortheir ability to arrange bedroom mirrors so that the same scene could be seenmany times over and from different angles by those on the bed. Once, inBerlin, a colleague and I were invited to tea with a gay couple. While they wereout preparing the apple strudel my colleague, who had visited the house before,whispered that I should take a peek into the master bedroom. Her nights had beendisturbed by yelps, but it was only when she had the opportunity to look intothe bedroom that she found the explanation, a splendidly draped 19th-centurymirror, with whips leaning against the glass. The standard advice is that anyform of sex play is permissible, so long as it is acceptable to both partnersand doesn't become an end in itself; or if sexual excitement and orgasm areimpossible without it. The mirror antics should ideally cause you distress onlyif your partner is watching himself, and if he couldn't achieve an erection ororgasm without it. You suspect that your partner's interest in the mirror isentirely narcissistic. This may be so, but as you are both part of the image itmay well be your body that accounts for his fascination. Some men enjoy sex infront of a mirror in the same way that they would a pornographic film, but withthem in the starring role. Conversely, many women dislike anything that hints atsexual exhibitionism. Your partner's interest may indeed be narcissisticrather than voyeuristic. Dr Anthony Storr, the Oxford psychiatrist, wrote thatmost men, however civilised, believed that a display of their masculinity shouldnot only delight them but also their partners. He thought that this was asnatural in the human male as was the spread of his tail in a peacock. Therecan be few men, to quote Dr Storr's opinion, who are innocent of any wish toexhibit evidence of their virility. He suggests that they are wasting their timeif they hope to impress their partners. For although it may be natural for themto think that a woman should be as impressed as they are by what they regard astheir splendidly large genitals, in fact, most women regard a penis as havingneither aesthetic appeal nor interest, other than as a functional organ. Thesuggestion is that male narcissism is often a means of sustaining a man'sself-esteem, especially if he hasn't much else on which it can be based. SUZIGODSON A:
I blame Ikea. Though the sliding wardrobe was originally designed to"make the bedroom look more spacious", Ingmar Kamprad, Ikea's founder, would behorrified to know what this product is really being used for. Truth is, mostcouples have a go in front of the mirror at some stage. And why not? Mirrorsgive sex a whole new perspective, but there is a big difference between usingthem as a prop to make sex more exciting and allowing the reflected image tobecome more significant than the actual experience.
It sounds as if yourpartner has gone off on his own rather peculiar sexual trip. And he has leftyou, and intimacy, behind. It is not an excuse, but his behaviour could bedescribed as somewhat gender typical. Men seem to be better at divorcing sexfrom emotion. In Masculinity Reconstructed: Changing the Rules of Manhood atWork, in Relationships, and in Family Life, by the psychology professor DrRonald F. Levant, "restricted emotions" and "sex disconnected from intimacy" aredescribed as two of the "traditional masculine norms". And in studies ofaddictive sexual behaviour, it has been observed that men tend to engage inbehavioural excesses that require little or no emotional involvement(voyeuristic sex, paying for sex, anonymous sex and exploitative sex), whereaswomen tend towards behaviours that distort power, either in gaining control overothers or being a victim (fantasy sex, seductive role sex, trading sex, and painexchange).
Men are also more likely to be sexually narcissistic. A whopping 75per cent of people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are male. Thesymptoms are infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of allothers and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominanceand ambition. Narcissists are classified in two ways. Either they are"cerebral", which means that they "derive their narcissistic supply from theirintelligence or academic achievements", or they are "somatic", which means thatthey "derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physicalor sexual prowess and conquests". (Sound familiar?) One thing that is common toboth is that they are devoid of empathy and unable or unwilling to identify withor to acknowledge the feelings and needs of others. While I am not suggestingthat your partner has narcissistic personality disorder - he may just be aselfish, insensitive tosser - it is worth bearing in mind that you may be tryingto communicate with him on a level that he simply does not understand. For yourown sake, I would suggest that you try to write down what it is that you arefeeling and how you would like things to change in the relationship.
Writing serves several purposes. It helps you to clarify your thoughts and to distilwhat it is that you would like to express to your partner more precisely.
And itgives you an opportunity to get everything off your chest in the kind oflanguage you might normally reserve for speed cameras or Ken Livingston withoutdoing any damage to your relationship.
When you feel you can edit your thoughtsdown to one or two clear sentences, I suggest that you try speaking to him inhis own language. Take a pot of paint and a paintbrush and transfer yoursentiments directly on to his favourite mirror. And see if he gets the message.