Play it again..All about foreplay..
We've been married for 20 years and my husband hasstopped bothering with foreplay. Any tips to make pre-penetrational play more exciting?
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD says:
More than ten years ago a randomly selected group of women were asked how many men they thought were good lovers.
Most men would have been depressed by the answer. None of the women thought thatmore than one in three men could be described as good in bed. Some of them, who might be described as more than averagely sexually experienced, concluded that about only one man in ten was a good lover.
There was agreement that the marking was subjective. What one woman regarded as the ideal qualities for a lover could leave another cold.
One example of this is the differing opinions expressedabout the capabilities as a lover of a man who is figuring in the latestkiss-and-tell celebrity sex scandal. One newspaper will find a woman who willsay that the disgraced celebrity was the greatest lover since Casanova, whereasanother woman, who has sold her story to another paper, swears that he wasvirtually impotent and incapable of empathising with women.
Unfortunately, menhave been brought up to believe that women are not interested in sex. Women areas interested as men in sex, even if more women describe themselves as beinguninterested and not attracted to either men or women. Now that most of thetaboos and constraints on talking about sex have been relaxed, women are asfrank, if not franker, than men when talking about sex to each other, and abouttheir partner's performance.
Because men don't chatter about sexual performancebetween themselves, some women believe that they don't learn what women wantwhen making love. One reason why men may not talk about the mechanics andsubtleties of lovemaking is that it is relatively easy for a man to have an orgasm.
This ease of reaching a climax can result in sexual intercourse for menlapsing into an activity that is devoid of romance and outward signs ofaffection, so that it becomes more a form of masturbation. Although too manywomen feel, and probably are, neglected and would dearly love more foreplay,there are others, perhaps a minority, who prefer a quickie.
Equally, theconverse is true. Some women prefer prolonged foreplay and manual stimulation topenetration. A study two or three years ago showed that this was to someextent a matter of age. Up to the age of 30 the majority of women would opt forforeplay, but not more than say for about ten minutes before relying on penilepenetration to reach orgasm.
When they were a bit older an increasing number soenjoyed the chat and foreplay that they, secretly or obviously, encouraged it tothe point of orgasm. They would rather not rely on penetrative genital sex thatcould leave the man satisfied but soon fast asleep, while the woman was stilltense with sexual frustration.
It sounds as if your husband, as much as he nodoubt loves and obviously still desires you, is using you sexually as if youwere a blow-up doll, the female equivalent of a dildo or vibrator. What to doabout it? Scatter a few good sex manuals around the house that extol the virtuesand variations of the different types of foreplay, lash out on a comfortablehotel, pack some massage oil and head for Paris, Rome, Amsterdam or Venice.
Once there, enjoy a long, romantic meal. When home again, keep the romantic spiritalive by varying the pattern and place for your lovemaking.
SUZI GODSON says:
Pre-penetrational is such a horrible expression. It suggests a swift appetiser of the half-grapefruit variety, rapidly followed by a main course of dried-outgreying meat and gravy. It sounds institutional, medical, enormously unappealingand, in all honesty, I can't suggest any way of "making it more exciting".
Icould, I suppose, suggest that you insist on cunnilingus and kissing beforeprogressing to penile stimulation, but quite frankly, foreplay is about so muchmore than the mechanics of licking and poking. In fairness to you both, 20years of marriage doesn't do much for anyone's sex life and the fact that thetwo of you are still having any at all bodes well for your relationship.
However, when it gets to the point where sex constitutes a brief and infrequentact of intercourse, you are both getting so little out of the exchange that itis probably safe to predict that in another ten years you won't have to worryabout pre-penetrative play anyway.
To halt this inexorable slide towards alife of complacent celibacy you need to stop thinking about adding forced playto your already lethargic lovemaking and start getting some real intimacy andconnection and creativity back into your sexual relationship.
Because abstinence makes the heart, and various other organs, grow fonder, I think thefirst thing you both need to do is to stop having sex. Radical may be. But you need to create some sexual tension and implementing a ban is the easiest way toachieve this.
Obviously, you will need to get your husband to agree, andconvincing him will mean presenting the concept in a positive and intriguingway. Don't criticise his performance or whinge about not getting enoughforeplay. And don' t tell him what you are up to. Just explain that you intendto give your sex life a makeover and that he simply has to trust you and followyour instructions.
Men so rarely get the opportunity to surrender themselvesto sexual directions that he will probably jump at the chance. And if hedoesn't, don't worry. He will understand everything in due course.
To begin,you will need some props: a pen, ten sheets of paper and ten stamped envelopes,five addressed to you and five addressed to him. On the top of each of the firstfive sheets of paper write one of the following headings: five things I loveabout you; five things I love about having sex with you; five things I want usto do together before we die; five things I want us to do in bed together; andfinally, five things I fantasise about but have never told you.
Copy thoseheadings on to the other five sheets of paper and then put each sheet in anenvelope. Take your husband out to dinner (being in a public place heightensthe sense of anticipation).
During the meal hand him the five envelopes that areaddressed to you and ask him to look at what is written on each sheet. Explainto him that you will fill in an identical set of letters and post one to himeach week.
And ask him to do the same for you. You may want to discuss what youmight say to each other. You may not. One thing is for sure, though, if you bothmake an effort to be honest and imaginative, over the next five weeks not onlywill you learn something about each other, and create an incredible state ofanticipation, you will seduce each other intellectually. Now that's what I call foreplay.
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD says:
More than ten years ago a randomly selected group of women were asked how many men they thought were good lovers.
Most men would have been depressed by the answer. None of the women thought thatmore than one in three men could be described as good in bed. Some of them, who might be described as more than averagely sexually experienced, concluded that about only one man in ten was a good lover.
There was agreement that the marking was subjective. What one woman regarded as the ideal qualities for a lover could leave another cold.
One example of this is the differing opinions expressedabout the capabilities as a lover of a man who is figuring in the latestkiss-and-tell celebrity sex scandal. One newspaper will find a woman who willsay that the disgraced celebrity was the greatest lover since Casanova, whereasanother woman, who has sold her story to another paper, swears that he wasvirtually impotent and incapable of empathising with women.
Unfortunately, menhave been brought up to believe that women are not interested in sex. Women areas interested as men in sex, even if more women describe themselves as beinguninterested and not attracted to either men or women. Now that most of thetaboos and constraints on talking about sex have been relaxed, women are asfrank, if not franker, than men when talking about sex to each other, and abouttheir partner's performance.
Because men don't chatter about sexual performancebetween themselves, some women believe that they don't learn what women wantwhen making love. One reason why men may not talk about the mechanics andsubtleties of lovemaking is that it is relatively easy for a man to have an orgasm.
This ease of reaching a climax can result in sexual intercourse for menlapsing into an activity that is devoid of romance and outward signs ofaffection, so that it becomes more a form of masturbation. Although too manywomen feel, and probably are, neglected and would dearly love more foreplay,there are others, perhaps a minority, who prefer a quickie.
Equally, theconverse is true. Some women prefer prolonged foreplay and manual stimulation topenetration. A study two or three years ago showed that this was to someextent a matter of age. Up to the age of 30 the majority of women would opt forforeplay, but not more than say for about ten minutes before relying on penilepenetration to reach orgasm.
When they were a bit older an increasing number soenjoyed the chat and foreplay that they, secretly or obviously, encouraged it tothe point of orgasm. They would rather not rely on penetrative genital sex thatcould leave the man satisfied but soon fast asleep, while the woman was stilltense with sexual frustration.
It sounds as if your husband, as much as he nodoubt loves and obviously still desires you, is using you sexually as if youwere a blow-up doll, the female equivalent of a dildo or vibrator. What to doabout it? Scatter a few good sex manuals around the house that extol the virtuesand variations of the different types of foreplay, lash out on a comfortablehotel, pack some massage oil and head for Paris, Rome, Amsterdam or Venice.
Once there, enjoy a long, romantic meal. When home again, keep the romantic spiritalive by varying the pattern and place for your lovemaking.
SUZI GODSON says:
Pre-penetrational is such a horrible expression. It suggests a swift appetiser of the half-grapefruit variety, rapidly followed by a main course of dried-outgreying meat and gravy. It sounds institutional, medical, enormously unappealingand, in all honesty, I can't suggest any way of "making it more exciting".
Icould, I suppose, suggest that you insist on cunnilingus and kissing beforeprogressing to penile stimulation, but quite frankly, foreplay is about so muchmore than the mechanics of licking and poking. In fairness to you both, 20years of marriage doesn't do much for anyone's sex life and the fact that thetwo of you are still having any at all bodes well for your relationship.
However, when it gets to the point where sex constitutes a brief and infrequentact of intercourse, you are both getting so little out of the exchange that itis probably safe to predict that in another ten years you won't have to worryabout pre-penetrative play anyway.
To halt this inexorable slide towards alife of complacent celibacy you need to stop thinking about adding forced playto your already lethargic lovemaking and start getting some real intimacy andconnection and creativity back into your sexual relationship.
Because abstinence makes the heart, and various other organs, grow fonder, I think thefirst thing you both need to do is to stop having sex. Radical may be. But you need to create some sexual tension and implementing a ban is the easiest way toachieve this.
Obviously, you will need to get your husband to agree, andconvincing him will mean presenting the concept in a positive and intriguingway. Don't criticise his performance or whinge about not getting enoughforeplay. And don' t tell him what you are up to. Just explain that you intendto give your sex life a makeover and that he simply has to trust you and followyour instructions.
Men so rarely get the opportunity to surrender themselvesto sexual directions that he will probably jump at the chance. And if hedoesn't, don't worry. He will understand everything in due course.
To begin,you will need some props: a pen, ten sheets of paper and ten stamped envelopes,five addressed to you and five addressed to him. On the top of each of the firstfive sheets of paper write one of the following headings: five things I loveabout you; five things I love about having sex with you; five things I want usto do together before we die; five things I want us to do in bed together; andfinally, five things I fantasise about but have never told you.
Copy thoseheadings on to the other five sheets of paper and then put each sheet in anenvelope. Take your husband out to dinner (being in a public place heightensthe sense of anticipation).
During the meal hand him the five envelopes that areaddressed to you and ask him to look at what is written on each sheet. Explainto him that you will fill in an identical set of letters and post one to himeach week.
And ask him to do the same for you. You may want to discuss what youmight say to each other. You may not. One thing is for sure, though, if you bothmake an effort to be honest and imaginative, over the next five weeks not onlywill you learn something about each other, and create an incredible state ofanticipation, you will seduce each other intellectually. Now that's what I call foreplay.
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12:29 AM
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